Yerkan Porkan - Jerkin' and Kloppin'

He woke up with a boner. Naturally, since he had made a sacred oath to the Lord Almighty that he was not going to masturbate until the completion of the Sefirat Haomer, the counting of the Omer offering that occurred over 49 days, culminating in the holiday of Shavuot. Post-counting however, he was going release the snake; extract the evil juices from his impure organ and awash himself in spectro-gel and sin. But that was then. Now, he awoke with a devil-induced hard-on. The yetzer hora had mystically metamorphasized and invaded his bloodstream, and was now rushing furiously into his holy vessel. Not a holy vessel now due to the satanic influence he refers to it as his cock, and the guilt ridden opera begins. Should I jerk it, or wait, I am killing millions of unborn souls, but it is natural, but it is inhumane, asceticism versus hedonism, a world full of paradox and confusion. The opera is joined by the orchestra of guilt and lust, reaching a crescendo as he fumbles through his memory for a vivid image of a female, any female, as he negotiates with God that he will not succumb to the point of ejaculating but somehow Satan is strong and the battle rages. Unable to decide until he ‘accidentally’ ejaculates and bangs his fist against his heart and repents his devilish, animalistic, hedonistic sin of spilling his seed, the future generations of the Chosen People, the love juice of a sexually repressed close-minded child. Thirty four seconds later, the Sony Dream Machine alarm clock that his Aunt Gertrude gave him last year for his Bar Mitzvah flashes momentarily and then emits a high pitched, off-key version of Yankee Doodle. It’s Sunday morning, and the yeshiva bachur was getting ready to begin another week away from home. The bachur was a sophomore at Chosech Yishmael, a private orthodox boy’s school located in Richmond Hill, Ontario......(to be continued....)