Yerkan Porkan - Jerkin' and Kloppin'

He woke up with a boner. Naturally, since he had made a sacred oath to the Lord Almighty that he was not going to masturbate until the completion of the Sefirat Haomer, the counting of the Omer offering that occurred over 49 days, culminating in the holiday of Shavuot. Post-counting however, he was going release the snake; extract the evil juices from his impure organ and awash himself in spectro-gel and sin. But that was then. Now, he awoke with a devil-induced hard-on. The yetzer hora had mystically metamorphasized and invaded his bloodstream, and was now rushing furiously into his holy vessel. Not a holy vessel now due to the satanic influence he refers to it as his cock, and the guilt ridden opera begins. Should I jerk it, or wait, I am killing millions of unborn souls, but it is natural, but it is inhumane, asceticism versus hedonism, a world full of paradox and confusion. The opera is joined by the orchestra of guilt and lust, reaching a crescendo as he fumbles through his memory for a vivid image of a female, any female, as he negotiates with God that he will not succumb to the point of ejaculating but somehow Satan is strong and the battle rages. Unable to decide until he ‘accidentally’ ejaculates and bangs his fist against his heart and repents his devilish, animalistic, hedonistic sin of spilling his seed, the future generations of the Chosen People, the love juice of a sexually repressed close-minded child. Thirty four seconds later, the Sony Dream Machine alarm clock that his Aunt Gertrude gave him last year for his Bar Mitzvah flashes momentarily and then emits a high pitched, off-key version of Yankee Doodle. It’s Sunday morning, and the yeshiva bachur was getting ready to begin another week away from home. The bachur was a sophomore at Chosech Yishmael, a private orthodox boy’s school located in Richmond Hill, Ontario......(to be continued....)

Pasquel the Sacrificial Part Deux

I think if I could, I would learn and retain.......

I think if I could, I would remember and observe......

I think if I could, I would comprehend and follow......

I think if I could, I would conform and be obedient.....

BUT I CAN'T........(well, maybe I can change my name to Pasquel.....)

I can't because my foundation is settled.....

I can't because my memory is jaded......

I can't because my understanding is lacking and my will is strong......

I can't because I have an ego and cannot humble my brain.....

I can't because I do not follow well.......

I can't but I wish I can become ignorant and blissful.

Oh Lord SanJim, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz

Dear Almighty SanJim,

I was a good boy this year. I helped Mr. Berkenfeldenstein cross the street. I donated $18.00 to the shul after my aliya to the Torah. OK, fine, I pledged $18.00 but I plan on giving it soon....hmmm.....what other good deeds did I do?

Oh yes, I studied the Babylonian Talmud for three years straight. I prayed to you three times a day, efficient as a German automobile. I arose each morning and washed my hands. I strapped my phylacteries. I studied. I learnt the mussar books. I had extreme guilt each time I jerked off. I never questioned your strange ways and odd commandments. I was your Mercedes Benz.

So now SanJim, I fast forward some years. I have many distractions. My Benz is old and doesn't want to start anymore. I try to be good. I support my family. Yes, I really said that. (By support, I mean financial, not the spiritual kind, which some shady Rabbi might attempt to persuade an otherwise healthy male specimen to sit on his ass and not bring home the bacon....I mean the chulent.....) My Mercedes Benz has faced many potholes and has been involved in many collisions. In fact ol' SanJim, my Mercedes Benz has been written off many years ago.

Almighty SanJim, I have a confession to make. You do not make any sense to me. I don't understand your buzzing and promises of milk and honey. All I am is a simple bee, (and don't worry, I didn't marry a WASP.....). I'm just a bee in the nest SanJim. I do what I can, but oh SanJim, you have placed many obstacles in my way. Like big fat humanoids I can harass and sting.

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?My friends all drive Porches, and I must make amends.Worked hard all my life time, no help from my friends. So, oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?

SANJIM THE ALMIGHTY - The Primer.....

Prisms of color streaming forth from the landscaped sky alerted the drone bee to an opportune location beneath the eaves trough and directly adjacent to the raised roof shingle. The drone was a exquisite canary yellow and ebony black, the contrast aptly illuminated by the incessant buzzing of her overextended wings. The drone’s eyes scanned horizontally, resting on the holy grail of paper hive locations, the upper roof squadron, attached with two deliciously positioned 2X4’s, optimal conditions for the creation of a new hive.

The new hive was meant to represent progress in beekind, progressive thinking, societal modifications enabling the success of the new colony. The drone circled lazily over the location for the course of the next four days, and eventually mentioned the idea to the Wise Council, which approved the location after conferring with the Supreme Bee Leader, the Queen herself. After the approval process was complete, the Drone proceeded to rally a sufficient following to assist with the building of a new colony, meant to further the name of the true creator, SanJim himself.

You see, SanJim was not an observable deity, but that did not devalue the importance of his name or the impact of his well known and documented moodiness. “Documented?” you might ask, “How can a bee have anything documented? They are merely bees?!?” The bee was a highly evolved creature, set apart from mankind due to their natural ability to sting. No other animal or human walking the face of the earth can sting like the bee.

The action of stinging surely is a clear indicator that SanJim had chosen the bees to be the beacon of light for the rest of the non-bee like stinging world. Sure, other animals could plow fields, make milk, lay eggs, provide companionship, and sure the Humanoids were capable of building tall structures and had an abnormal appetite for creating orange yellow explosions, but could they sting? Sure as hell not, and that is why one can state unequivocally and with absolute certainty, SanJim created the world for the Bees. This fact was so ingrained in Bee Culture that even the youngest wasps knew the omnipotency of SanJim, as they were taught to pollinate sassafraz four times daily, all in the name of SanJim the Almighty.

Pasquel the Sacrificial

I think if I could, I would change my name to Pasquel the Sacrificial.....

I think if I could, I would live in a moderate climate......

I think if I could, I would like to own a cottage......

I think if I could, I would like to take my family to Disneyland.....

I think if I could, I would like to purchase my daughter's first home......

I think if I could, I would like to travel the world with my wife.....

I think if I could, I would like to live positively, stress-free and full of love.....

BUT I CAN'T......(well maybe I can change my name to Pasquel.....)

I can't because I need to live within walking proximity to a shul......

I can't because living within proximity to a shul translates into expensive real estate.....

I can't because I need to pay staggering tuition fees......

I can't because kosher cheese is a fortune......

I can't because I am too weak to break away......

I can't because an esrog costs as much as a plane ticket to Orlando......

I can't because I can't free my mind from the shackles of its youth......

The Treadmill of Orthodoxy

Documentary hypothesis.two Isiah's. Biblical Criticism. Codex Aleppo. Lower source. Higher source. Wissenschafte des Judentams. Biblical scholarship. Biblical authorship.....and on and on and on and on......

What do all these words and phrases have in common aside from the obvious.....growing up as a sheltered, innocent religious Jewish boychick, none of them were part of my vocabulary or even close to being part of my lexicon. Why you ask? Let the Ramblin' Jew ramble and perhaps we can get to the bottom of this.....

Firstly, they were secular subjects, lemudia chol, and were a distant second to the far superior body of knowledge contained in the first three pages of Bava Kamma. Oh wait, lest I forget, the most amazing thought provoking R’ Akiva Eiger question on the height of a third wall. That is true knowledge, divine knowledge - why waste time, it is bittul z'man, to even think about any of these dangerous and heretical ideas.

Second, one would argue - "We cant teach that to the boys. They would all stray from the right path!" To which I say, you are not teaching the right path by concealing true knowledge. You are not teaching them the right path by maintaining them on a steady diet of myth and fantasy. The arrested development of this Generation’s philosophical and theoretical knowledge is devastating and will unfortunately result in the serious and rapid decline of our insular communities.

Ritual reigns supreme in this day and age, rationalism is shunned, even scorned. We will do, and we will hear! That is the battle cry of the Orthodox educational system. First do, then if you really need to ask, you should just tell yourself Hashem knows all and I cant understand because I am just a mere mortal.

Now the problem is, anytime I want to learn more about one of the above-mentioned topics, my ability to comprehend even basic concepts is weighed down by the years of molding my brain to think within one system. That is the problem facing the Ramblin' Jew. He is on the treadmill, it is goin' fast, and it is on a serious incline. It is all catch up now, but nearing the age of 30, Ramblin' Jew realizes that he is fighting a battle he will never win.

So here is the Ramblin' Question - Is the fight worth fighting?????

Distractions Distortions Distractions Distortions

Here is a beauty from the vault......

What are you supposed to do? You don’t believe in anything anymore, you reach a point with your intellectual maturation and your grasp only goes so far. You can only walk the line for a while, then the bottom falls out and you are left naked.

Your mind won’t allow to think thoughts you used to. Your mind teaches your soul, or whatever is left of your soul, that it is meaningless and futile. Your mind, when exercising, develops into a beast of its own right, tearing apart any and every theological, theoretical, faith-based idea you ever had.

Think about revelation at Sinai, once used to be an immutable truth in every day-schooler’s mind and heart. Of course God stood atop the mountain and Moses went into the clouds for 40 days. The bush burned and the walls of Jericho came tumbling down, but not before the Sun stood in the sky. The Jews beat the Amaleks, but only when the arms were up. Nary a mention of the brutality of the great giants of our nation. Kill the women and children, and while you are at it, kill the sheep and goats. We don’t want the leaders turning into goats now do we? Then a Golden Calf started dancing. Maybe the Calf danced with the Golem or maybe not.

That can happen 3000 years ago, but now, all of a sudden, the world has undergone drastic changes. Now, seas don’t split anymore and rivers don’t turn to blood. Now, no one is swallowed up in the belly of a big fish, people don’t marry their dead brother’s widow. Now the Jews don’t consult gemstones on a breastplate prior to battle. Now, we don’t sacrifice rams and bulls to God or push goats off cliffs. Now, we don’t mix spices and burn incense to God. Now, prophets are relegated to street corners.

So what changed? Did Judaism stay the same and the world underwent a complete transformation? When Rabbinic Judaism took the place of “Divinely inspired” service post-Temple One, is it at all possible that the Doctrines and Dogmas shifted as well? And if so, where does that leave authenticity? Where does that leave absolute truth? Where does that leave superstition and paganism?

Ramblin' Jew ain't got the answer, but he does have distractions. Therein lies the answer to all the important questions in life. Distractions. Distract your mind and you will be aight. Don't listen the doubt, just wrap your leather straps, put the tallit over your head, and sway back and forth. Distract yourself with inane chatter. Distract yourself with Kollel and Talmud. Distract yourself with Halacha Books and Rituals. But do not ask the questions. And if you do, don't wait for the answer to come a runnin'. Just distract yourself.